City To Install New Bike/Ped Infrastructure, Hire “Cycling Ambassadors”

Boston Bikes announced today that it will be installing new cycling and pedestrian infrastructure designed to improve bicycling safety, mostly by “slowing cycling and walking to a manageable speed”

From the cities website:

“We think cycling and walking are great ways to see our city, but have been disappointed in the high speed that pedestrians and cyclists are traveling through our city.”

Consisting of a series of “pedestrian speed bumps” and “cycling sand pits” these additions are being installed now as the snow fall we had this winter and spring made it impossible.

Standing 3 feet tall the pedestrian speed bumps must be vaulted over slowing the pedestrian considerably, while the sand pits are 4 foot by 6 foot pits of sand placed near the intersections on streets that have bike lanes.

“Our hope is the sand will slow the cyclists enough that they are no longer a danger to cars turning in the intersection.” Said one city official.

In an effort to make sure that motorists don’t feel left out the city has also hired 32 “cycling ambassadors,” highly fit cyclists in spandex to wander the streets encouraging more people to cycle.

“Basically we hang around highly trafficked areas and approach people we see getting out of cars. Then we let them know how much better for the earth and for their health cycling is, and how much nicer they would look in pants, how they could eat more chocolate and not feel guilty, how they wouldn’t have to deal with traffic, how parking is always a breeze, how much better they will feel as parents, how it helps reduce air pollution, how it can help stop wars for oil, how it encourages more efficient urban planning, how it decreases outbursts by children in school, how it helps prevent diabetes, did I mention global warming? That sort of thing. I think its working because I followed one guy around for so long yesterday that he told me he wished he had a bicycle right now so he could get away from me.”

The ambassadors will be around until mid-summer, when they will be replaced by extra meter attendants and mascots for our local sports teams.

“We are going from Bean Town to Green town” Said outgoing Mayor Menino. He then added “GREEN TOWN” speaking slowly and clearly enunciating each syllable.

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Mayors Announce Multi-City Initiative To Improve Cycling Infrastructure

I got this press release in the email today, this looks amazing! More info when I get it.

Its about time something like this happened!

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Taking a break from his annual Palm Sunday breakfast fundraiser, Mayor Menino announced today at a press conference in Dorchester that the city of Boston will be partnering with Somerville and Quincy to fund a multi-year push to improve cycling infrastructure. He was joined by the mayors of Somerville, and Quincy, Joseph Curtatone, and Thomas P Koch.

The multi-city consortium plans on setting aside $28.25 million dollars over the next five years to develop world class cycling infrastructure, with a goal of allowing rapid cycling transit between the various cities.

“Our first push will be to remove a lane from 93 and devote it entirely to cycling.” Said Nicole Freedman, head of the city of Boston’s bicycle programs.

This revolutionary design will replace the right most south bound lane, replacing is with a two way high speed cycle track system. Removing one lane of traffic from the chronically congested highway is expected to reduce asthma rates in the surrounding cities by 25%, while at the same time reducing the number of people stuck in traffic by 33%.

“Beantown might be Greentown, but Somerville, is going to be Superville and Quincy is going to be, well Quincy is still going to be Quincy, but it will still be awesome to be able to ride your bike on the highway.” Said Mayor Joseph Curtatone

“We have partnered with Boloco to provide what we are calling ‘Cycle stops.’ These little stands will take up another lane on 93, but we felt it was important to provide support for cyclists.” Said the mayor “Plus have you tasted these things, they are wicked good” Prompting a chuckle from the audience. The Cycle Stops will provide showers, bicycle repair, and of course delicious burritos.

“Taking two lanes off 93 is just the first in our what we are calling the ‘war against cars’ said mayor Koch. “We are going to be banning private automobiles from the down towns of all of our cities, and instituting an annual $300 congestion fee on all automobile owners.”

Supplemental material released at the press conference showed the full extend of the plan:

• Parking to be removed from 75% of city streets
• Parking fines raised to 5% the blue book value of the car
• 85% of RMV offices to be closed in the metro area, and the cost of owning a license to be increased

“By the time we are done with them, everyone who currently drives a car will be more or less forced to ride a bicycle.” Said Nicole Freedman sighting several hundred studies showing the damage of car ownership. “We were going to just put in a few bike lanes, and hope for the best, be after a couple of drinks we figured, aww fuck it, lets get this done.” This prompted a great cheer from the lycra bound and hipster styled audience.

The three mayors plan on signing this initiative into law on Monday, and work should start in early April. “You would have to be a fool not to realize the value of a plan like this” Said Mayor Koch.

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For Immediate release, April 1 2012.

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