BINGO! A Play In One Act

Its been a while since I have done a street theater re-enactment (see here and here and here..and here).

Bingo, a play in one act:

Scene: Our main character is standing with feet on the ground astride a bicycle while waiting for a walk sign.  Neither moving, nor making like movement is about to occur.

Actors:
bike person (played by me)
Lady on foot (played by lady on foot)

Dialog: (note to stage director, this play has no dialog, its more of an interpretive dance)

Bike person: waits for walk sign.

Lady on foot: Runs into bike person loudly.

Bike person:  Feels the impact, makes a face of wonder, turns head to stare at lady on foot.

Lady on foot: Angrily gestures at bike person, indicating that nowhere on the 20 foot wide sidewalk (empty of everything except the bike guy) was there a single space you could have possibly gone except into the back of this bicycle.  (really work it, its hard to convey all that information in a look, but you can do it)

Bike person: Smile awkwardly.

Lady on foot: As you walk away raise your left hand up and give the thumbs up angrily, like a terminator being lowered into molten steel.   Hold aloft thumb for at least 10 steps.

Bike person: Chuckle to yourself, adjust your fender, ride off.

And…scene.  That’s a warp folks, good work, lets hit the showers!

I can now fill out the last square on my biker bingo card. The only one I was waiting for was the elusive “hit by a pedestrian” square.  The entire experience was so strange, and sort of lovely in a funny way.  If you are the lady who ran into me while walking with your headphones on staring at your feet.  I want to say I am sorry you had to find out there was something in front of you like that…but you know, maybe point your eyes up a little in the future and you wont have these problems.

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Getting Your Degree From Harvard – A Play In One Act

Its been a while since we had any theater around here.

The Scene:
Our main character is approaching the corner of North Harvard and Soldiers Field road, traffic is brisk and moving, the main character is in the left hand land in preparation for an upcoming left turn.

Actors:
biker (played by yours truly)
Bro-dude 1 (played by Harvard student with Harvard jacket and Harvard hat on, backwards)
Bro-dude 2 (played by Harvard student with Harvard jacket and Harvard running pants on)

*Bro-dudes are looking left as they cross into the street, apparently to avoid on coming traffic from the left hand lane, they fail miserably and traffic in that lane screeches to a halt, they somehow manage to make it to the center line alive, only to nearly be hit by the biker, the scene starts as they stare slack jawed at the biker track standing inches in front of them*

Biker: *looks bro-dudes up and down* “So you guys go to Harvard?”

Bro-dude 1: *looks flattered* “Yes, yes we do”

Bro-dude 2: *smirks out a shit eating grin*

Biker: *pulls around bro-dudes* “Smart enough to go to Harvard, but can’t cross the street.”

*The sky erupts with fireworks and a giant +10 Pts sign appears made of gold in the sky surrounded by sparkling lights. A deep bellowing voice, like a mix between James Earl Jones, and God himself, is heard to intone “BUUUUURN SAUCE!” shaking the very fabric of creation*

Bro dude 2: *clearly devastated, struggles to find a response* “Uhh…Whoa there Lance.”

Biker: *Rides to work feeling good that a couple of Bro-dudes from Harvard think he is like Lance Armstrong*

And…scene.

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Are You Serious!: Two One Act Plays

In what is quickly becoming a series around here (see here and here) I present to you two more “plays in one act”

Play one: The Morning Ride

Scene: Our main character is track standing at a red light waiting for it to change.

Actors:
bike guy (played by me)
guy in truck (played by moron in truck)

Dialog:

guy in truck: Honk Honk Honk! Truck pulls up to the right of the biker, clearly demonstrating that he had enough room to make a right hand turn. “Get out of the road ass hole!”

bike guy: *thinks to himself what the hell is wrong with this guy* “Fuck you asshole!”

guy in truck: jumps out of truck displaying his pasty girth to the world and the fact that he has no coat on “What you want to say that to my face!”

bike guy: *couldn’t give a crap about some pasty fat guy, continues to track stand, distain dripping from his voice* “Yea why don’t you come over here and knock me of my bike, that would prove you are a real man, I am following the law man get over it.”

guy in truck: *seems suddenly terrified to be out of his truck* “yea well I am following the law too!”

guy in truck: *gets back in truck and makes his right hand turn*

bike guy: *continues to track stand in the exact same spot he has been for the whole time, when the light turns green he drives off*

And…scene.

Seriously I have no idea what this guys problem was, he had the room to make a right hand turn, he made the right hand turn eventually, he was all tough in his truck, but got seriously spooked once he got out and saw that he didn’t scare me…some people are a mystery to me.

Play two: The Evening Ride:

Scene:
Coming down a huge hill our intrepid hero is determined to get home asap cause of the brutal ball frosting cold. When in front of him a Chinese fire drill that would make the clowns at the circus proud disgorges what seems like millions of tiny white children from a shitty Honda on both sides of the road. There are two rows of parked cars to either side. The light is green, and cars are backing up behind the car.

Actors:
bike guy (played by me)
stupid lady (played by a stupid lady)

Dialog:

bike guy: (in his nicest voice) Excuse me mam, that is a very dangerous thing to do, your children could be struck by someone.

stupid lady: Why don’t you mind your own business, and go ride your fucking bike and mind your own fucking business!

bike guy: thinks to himself “what the fuck, I even said mam, this bitch’s little cracker spawn are going to be my business when I put the front of my bike through one of her little inbred foreheads”

bike guy: mutters just loud enough for stupid lady to here “stop breeding”

stupid lady: herds her vast loin product into the house where they will undoubtedly be raised to think that mom is a hero and that it is the world that is wrong.

And…scene.

I was being so sweetly nice to this lady, I slowed way down, I called her mam, I was just trying to help her not get her kids run over, and she was such a bitch that I suddenly felt much less good will towards her. I actually regret that I was mean to her, but good lord she was a raging bitch for what was essentially her own damn fault. I just hope that one of her little food depositories doesn’t door someone playing that “stop in the street and let everyone out” game.

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Poor Excuses: A Play In One Act

So it’s time once again for a little bike theater, you may have remember our last play “Bad Ideas” It was the thrilling tale of safety on the mean streets of Boston. Well now from the produce of Bad Ideas comes Poor Excuses, a thrill ride.

The scene: Busy traffic, Cambridge, Central Square. A parade is going on, hundreds of scantily dressed women in beautiful feather get ups are walking towards the start of the parade on River st. Traffic is flowing at a snails pace. Our biker is very very slowly making their way down the left hand side of the bike path heading north (to avoid potential parked cars opening their doors.

Actors:
biker (played by yours truly)
Lazy Woman (played by some lady)
Stunned Child (played by lazy womans kid)

Dialog:

*biker moving at a snails pace enjoying the day, safely out of the door zone in bike path, or so he thinks!*

Biker: *mental dialog* “wow what a nice day, the sun is out, these people all look so happy, good thing I am safely out of the way of car do….HOLY SHIT OUCH!” *biker is suddenly stopped by car door opening on the left hand side, from a car in traffic, his thumb is pinned against his handle bars, and his shoulder is smashed by the door, the only thing keeping him from serious injury was the fact that he was going very slowly, and his rugged good looks*

Biker: *actual dialog* “What the fuck! Holy shit lady, your kid just opened her door into me on the left hand side, my thumb is all crushed, what the fuck!”

Lazy Lady: “Hey, my kids had to go to the bathroom!” *lady is not concerned at all by the fact that she was discharging her children into traffic and potentially broke the bikers thumb*

Stunned Child: *remains stunned by the potential harm her lazy mother who let her get out of a car into traffic nearly caused to herself and a ruggedly handsome biker*

And…scene.

So there you have it, not as funny as “Bad Ideas”, more of a dark comedy, a cautionary tale about digestion, and the dangers of having lazy parents.

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Bad Ideas – A Play In One Act

Sometimes life is so much like art it is impossible to tell the two apart, this is a mostly true story.

The scene: Busy traffic, line of cars at light that just turned green, cab in right hand lane, left back seat door opens to discharge a slightly fat, business type into MOVING TRAFFIC.

Actors:
biker (played by yours truly)
Business Guy (played by some fat guy)
Cab (played by a car)

Dialog:

*biker sees man exiting into MOVING traffic*

Biker: “Hey buddy that’s a bad idea!” *the biker is trying to keep the suit safe, as he is clearly insane*

Business Guy: “Your a bad idea!” *jumps across a lane of moving traffic and almost gets hit by cars*

Biker: *quickly thinks of all the mature things he could say in response, then picks none of them* “Your moms a bad idea!!!!”

And…scene.

This for real happened, for realz.

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