Are You Serious!: Two One Act Plays

In what is quickly becoming a series around here (see here and here) I present to you two more “plays in one act”

Play one: The Morning Ride

Scene: Our main character is track standing at a red light waiting for it to change.

Actors:
bike guy (played by me)
guy in truck (played by moron in truck)

Dialog:

guy in truck: Honk Honk Honk! Truck pulls up to the right of the biker, clearly demonstrating that he had enough room to make a right hand turn. “Get out of the road ass hole!”

bike guy: *thinks to himself what the hell is wrong with this guy* “Fuck you asshole!”

guy in truck: jumps out of truck displaying his pasty girth to the world and the fact that he has no coat on “What you want to say that to my face!”

bike guy: *couldn’t give a crap about some pasty fat guy, continues to track stand, distain dripping from his voice* “Yea why don’t you come over here and knock me of my bike, that would prove you are a real man, I am following the law man get over it.”

guy in truck: *seems suddenly terrified to be out of his truck* “yea well I am following the law too!”

guy in truck: *gets back in truck and makes his right hand turn*

bike guy: *continues to track stand in the exact same spot he has been for the whole time, when the light turns green he drives off*

And…scene.

Seriously I have no idea what this guys problem was, he had the room to make a right hand turn, he made the right hand turn eventually, he was all tough in his truck, but got seriously spooked once he got out and saw that he didn’t scare me…some people are a mystery to me.

Play two: The Evening Ride:

Scene:
Coming down a huge hill our intrepid hero is determined to get home asap cause of the brutal ball frosting cold. When in front of him a Chinese fire drill that would make the clowns at the circus proud disgorges what seems like millions of tiny white children from a shitty Honda on both sides of the road. There are two rows of parked cars to either side. The light is green, and cars are backing up behind the car.

Actors:
bike guy (played by me)
stupid lady (played by a stupid lady)

Dialog:

bike guy: (in his nicest voice) Excuse me mam, that is a very dangerous thing to do, your children could be struck by someone.

stupid lady: Why don’t you mind your own business, and go ride your fucking bike and mind your own fucking business!

bike guy: thinks to himself “what the fuck, I even said mam, this bitch’s little cracker spawn are going to be my business when I put the front of my bike through one of her little inbred foreheads”

bike guy: mutters just loud enough for stupid lady to here “stop breeding”

stupid lady: herds her vast loin product into the house where they will undoubtedly be raised to think that mom is a hero and that it is the world that is wrong.

And…scene.

I was being so sweetly nice to this lady, I slowed way down, I called her mam, I was just trying to help her not get her kids run over, and she was such a bitch that I suddenly felt much less good will towards her. I actually regret that I was mean to her, but good lord she was a raging bitch for what was essentially her own damn fault. I just hope that one of her little food depositories doesn’t door someone playing that “stop in the street and let everyone out” game.

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