Types Of Dipshit You Will Meet

90% of the time riding your bike in the streets of Boston is a fun and enjoyable, even relaxing, endeavor. I have gone whole weeks without anything at all untoward happening. But sadly you will occasionally run into some amazing dipshits in these fair streets, and after some research I have decided that it is possible to categorize these dipshits for easier identification and avoidance. So here in no particular order are the types of dipshit you will most likely encounter while riding your bike, how to spot them, and how to avoid them.

BMW/Lexus Drivers:

“I payed more for this car than you will make in a year, therefor get out of the way!”

Money can’t buy love, but having a lot of it (or at least blowing a lot of it on a fancy car), seems to buy you plenty of smug righteousness. I am not sure why the Lexus/BMW brand brings out the inner douche rocket in so many but that fine engineering must do something to the brain because I have noticed these drivers are always the first to honk, and the last to let off the horn.

Like most road users they have very little understanding of the law, but they do understand the cost of fixing a scratched quarter panel, if you get into a verbal debate with one of these dipshits simply remind them that the best way for them to avoid having to pay for expensive body work is for them to NOT hit you with their car.

Giant SUV/Huge Pickup Truck Drivers:

“HEY FAG GET OUT OF THE ROAD!”

80% male these dipshits are overcompensating for their lack of “gear inches.” As such they have surprisingly fragile egos, are quick to take offense and easily enraged. Your ease in navigating the narrow streets of Boston subconsciously reminds them that the car commercials all lied to them when they showed rugged dirt piles for them to run their giant machines over. The reality of non-stop bumper to bumper traffic leaves them with enough time, that even these strangers to self inspection, will finally realize that they are wasting a lot of gas money to sit in traffic every day, and parking is always a bitch.

Because of the lack of confidence in their own genetic lottery winnings these dipshits have been known to get out of their giant-mobiles and start a fist fight, best to avoid them by leaving them stuck in traffic while you wiggle your little finger at them.

Bus Drones:

“I do the same thing every day, I do the same thing every day, I do the same thing every day, I do the sam…OH SHIT A CYCLIST!”

Of all the dipshits on the list these people might be the most worthy of pity and also some of the most dangerous. Bus drivers have a lot to deal with, they are trying to move a giant vehicle full of (often angry) Bostonians around narrow streets full of other dipshits.

Half of the negative interactions I have had with bus drivers have been because they bus driver has reverted to robot mode. They are simply praying to whatever god they hold dear that they can finish this shift before they have to stab that kid two seats behind them for not shutting the fuck up about his girlfriend…and as such are not paying any attention.

The other half are because the bus driver have become so empty inside from the rigors of their job that they think everyone else is empty and seeking death as well. As such they are not only clumsy but malicious in their poor driving.

You can avoid bus drone dipshits in one of two ways, speed up and outrun them, or slow down and let them outrun you. Either way these mega sized dipshits are like the Wu Tang Clan. (nothing to fuck wit)

The Shoaler:

“……” (They are most often silent)

For those of you not “in the know” getting “shoaled” is when a slower cyclist passes you (often on the right, or in a dangerous way) proceeds to run the red light you are stopped at, and then continues to ride super slow forcing you to pass them once the light turns green. This can happen many, many….many times. Its especially bad if this dipshit thinks they are some sort of elite urban rider and that there is a video being made of them “bombing” through traffic. Then not only are they riding slowly, but dangerously all over the place.

These dipshits can be avoided like bus drones, either by speeding up or slowing down, but I prefer intervention. If you can ride up next to them and kindly explain that an “on your left” and a pass on the left is preferable to just passing silently within inches on your right. Also that if they are going to run red lights and continue to ride so slowly they might want to be nice and allow faster traffic to pass on the left. I don’t usually give any class of dipshit this much effort, but cyclists are small in numbers and the more we can convert into non-dipshit categories the better.

Uber-Insane Cab Driver:

“You get out of road! You, out of road! Get out, road out, get get get, out out out!”

Their are crazy, violent, evil, cab driving dipships in Boston, but I am not talking about them, I am talking about the really bad ones. They are most often characterized by being morbidly unhealthy, to the point where they have started to merge with their cab seat in some sort of burger king lubricated human/cab hybrid. They often have a limited grasp on the English language (even if born and raised in this country), and use the horn the way Jackson Pollack used paint, they drive all day so they have the skills to make a cab do all sorts of magical dodgy type things, they just choose not to because they would rather see you splayed over the hood.

There is no reasoning with these people, and because their cars are only aesthetically enhanced by having a little cyclist blood on them you can’t appeal to the impulse to keep the paint looking nice. Your only hope is to look for the signs of a dipshit cab rage outbreak.

If you see someone on the side of the road with their arm in the air, immediately start scanning for a cab missile that will be approaching. Assume any cab not moving over 15 mph is about to poop some passengers out (even if in the middle lane at a red, in fact especially in the middle lane at a red light). Assume any cab parked on the side of the street is about to do a u-turn. And never, ever miss a chance to lightly spank the cab drivers (right on their shapely buttocks) in Harvard Square who bend over and chat with other cab drivers in the bike lane. They like it, or at least I assume they like it or else why would they hang their giant asses out into the bike lane like that all day long?

Aggressive Street Crosser:

“Hey look lots of moving cars, trucks, buses, trains, and bicycles, now would be a great time to run out into the street!”

I have written extensively about pedestrians, even going so far as to write a guide for how to deal with them. But this particular kind of dipshit is unique to the streets of Boston. An aggressive street crosser is unique in their lack of any sense of self preservation. They will run (not walk) into any amount of traffic, because…fuck it…why not!

These people are moving bike crashes waiting to happen, my suggestion is get some of your friends to throw things at you in a parking lot so you can practice your dodging skills. Barring that try to hit with the shoulder and not the front wheel, it will make the impact easier on you.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, so if you know of any other types of dipshit that you encounter on a regular basis feel free to leave them in the comments.

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Spring Time Dreams

I closed my eyes for a moment just now and was overcome by the feeling you get when you ride your bike at high speed through a warm summer night. That perfect wind through your hair feeling, that lighter than air nothing can stop you feeling, that cricket filled placid feeling. The kind of night that feels alive with possibility, bikes and adventure, sitting on the docks near the river, hill climbs and night races, of secret spots and hide and seek.

I can’t wait for that first nice summer night, I am going to ride every mile of Boston’s streets to celebrate the end to the cold weather.

I think I can only handle winter until Jan 31st, the month of February always destroys my love of snow and chill air. Every year as soon as March rolls around I start to feel better. How do the rest of you deal with the long dark winters?

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