Defusing The Ted Bomb

This Sunday I had a very interesting interaction with a motorist, recreated here to the best of my memory.

I was in the left hand land of Cambridge street heading towards a red light waiting for the right hand land to clear so I could merge over. I decided to stop at the red light and then work my way over to the right after we got moving again, while I was stopping for the red I was honked at. This happens a lot as cars often will look right in front of them instead of down the street and are often embarrassed when they have to stop several feet after they honked at you for “slowing them down.”

I guess when you spend all day staring at the back of the car in front of you, you don’t get in the habit of looking several feet in front of that car to see what the light is doing. You simply move when the car in front of you moves, which in turn moves because the car in front of it did, and so on. The only person actually paying attention is the one at the front of the line, and the one behind that one waiting to lay on the horn if the person in front doesn’t rocket off the start line on the green…but I digress.

I responded to the honking with my usual “turn and give a little smile and kiss” response, designed to enrage point out the idiocy of their behavior. I figured that when we got moving I would move over and I could spend several more awkward red lights with the guy as we made our way to the bridge. But to my dismay he proceed to lay on the horn like it was going out of style the INSTANT the green light came on, giving me no time to move over.

It was a beautiful Sunday, the sun was shinning warmly, and this ASSHOLE was in a total rush to get to the next red light and frankly my rage-o-meter went right off the charts. I came to a complete stop, almost getting myself run over (note to self: don’t do this ever again). I left my bike in the road (note to self: stupid stupid) and went right up to his window (note to self: dumb) ready to downsize this morons face with my U-lock, and as this lug stepped out of his car my brain did something smart (for the first time in this whole confrontation).

He got out of his car and started raving like a lunatic.

Him: “SCREAMSCREAMSDLFKSDFLKSJXCSCREAM!!!”
Me: “whats your name?”
Him: “SCREAMAHHHHHHHHSCREAM”
Me: “whats your name?!” Hand held out
H: “SCREAM!!”
Me: “WHATS your name!?” Hand held out
H: “Ted!”
Me: “Hi Ted my name is…”
Shake
Me: “Ted do you know what will happen to me if you run me over with your car?”
Ted: “You have to be on the right side of the road, you are breaking the law!”
Me: “No I am not, Ted, bicycles are legally allowed to use the full lane, and had you given me the chance I would have moved over, but by honking your horn at me you pissed me off.”
Ted: “You have to move over, I am a cop, I know this!”
Me: “Ted trust me on this you are violating the law by honking at me and almost running me over, If I was a less experienced cyclist I could have lost control of my bike and ended up under your wheels”
Ted: … (he visibly calms down at this point)
Me: “Ted do you have children?
Ted: “I have three children”
Me: “Ted how would you feel if one of them got run over because someone was in a huge rush to get to the next red light, do you want to call my mother and tell her that I am dead because you couldn’t wait a second?”
Ted: “You make a good point”
Me: “It’s a nice Sunday, the sun is out, calm the FUCK DOWN, and give me a bit of space and I will get out of your way” (just because he had calmed down didn’t mean that I had)

He agreed, although I am not sure he was convinced I was able to legally use the left lane, we shook hands, I gave him a pat on the shoulder. I got back on my bike (which was pretty much under his front bumper, god that was stupid of me to stop in the middle of the road like that). I proceeded to the next several red lights, each time getting there shortly after Ted. He went over the bridge into Cambridge and I never saw him again. In essence I had slowed him down only by stopping to talk to him, had he not honked at all he wouldn’t have lost a single moment of his day to “my slowness.”

Instead he almost got my U-lock upside his head, and almost killed me. He was also a sizable gentleman I am sure had there been a tussle I would have suffered a good pounding as well. Overall I was pretty proud of myself that none of that stuff happened, I only wish that we could have these little teachable moments without almost getting run over. Sadly there have been a couple fatalities of cyclists in the area lately, they are rare and therefor shocking (hundreds of people die each year in car crashes). And almost all of them could have been avoided by everyone simply being a little more courteous on the streets.

Ted seemed like an alright guy, not the kind of person that would stab someone, or shoot them, or drown them, a family man and a cop. Get him behind a car, and put a shell of glass and metal around him and he became a monster (and an asshole). Why did he become a murderous crazy person? Because he has to slow down a little. Only when I re-humanized myself in his eyes did he see what he was doing. If someone bumped into you on an elevator, or walked a bit slowly in front of you on the street you would never treat them the way people regularly do when they are behind the wheel.

I assure you, if you hit me with your car, my bones will break, my blood will pour out, my organs will burst, I am a human being, not a speed bump. If you hit me with your car because you are in a hurry you will no longer be a person, you will be a murderer. If you drive a car, and you are reading this, think about your children, think about them lying dead and broken under the wheels of an automobile. The cyclist in front of you is someones child, someones brother, someones son or daughter, someones lover. All of these people care deeply about that cyclist, love them, will cry for them if they are dead. Imagine someone taking your loved ones away from you, or hurting them, or scaring them, or just being mean to them… Is it really worth it just so you can get to that next red light slightly faster?

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