Be Nice Everyone…

You never know when you are going to piss off someone with sarcastic genius…

from C-list

(Warning the below is highly awesome, and funny.)

———

…You passed me as I was walking my biker over the street at the JFK/North Harvard Street bridge right near the Dudley White bike path.

This was my first morning riding into work near the Gardens, and I have never biked along this route before.

I had decided to walk my bike over treacherous intersection because I wasn’t sure where the path started, let alone how rush-hour traffic would react to my inexperienced fumbling. Good thing I did because if I had noticed you, I surely would have crashed. You looked magnificent on your expensive bike and all your racing gear. You are a paragon of strength and endurance that Lance Armstrong can never seek to attain. Live Strong! I still can’t get over the way your numbered yellow shirt wrapped around your fit torso and your spandex pants so tightly hugged every curve of your manly thighs and groin. I wondered what races you had been in (or were in this morning!), powering over the hot macadam like a stallion of might, an unstoppable Conestoga of testosterone! Oh, but I were a ship to moor in your turbulent waters!

The point at which we were a whisper’s length away, you so courageously informed me that the intersection I was crossing was “not a sidewalk.” le sigh! If only I were not so feeble-brained, I might have understood your postmodern cryptic message. Indeed, the road is not a sidewalk; perhaps I was seeing a spoon when there is no spoon! Until then, I can only fantasize about discussing the likes of Kant or Heidegger – and bicycles, of course! – face to face with you in a cozy organic, local cafe just outside of Fresh Pond. Instead, you rode out of my life like Cinderella at midnight …

May every cyclist in Boston seek to ape your selflessness at dispensing wisdom! After all, your experience as a racer makes you better than the average cyclist, and you have an obligation to make others embrace their shortcomings with your worldly knowledge. Some bicyclists like to shout insults at others and simply ride away because they are too pusillanimous to support their instigating remarks. Not you – you wear your expertise like the wisdom of an urban Musashi in this individual-driven world we live in. A fie on those others that cannot see past their own psyches and who are convinced of their righteousness!

….I write this with the hope that someday you will not have to fear the terrible burden of bicycle leadership in a world where others are so quick to make assumptions. God Speed, yellow spandex racer man! And God Bless.

Or this

You pilfered my Shaw’s grocery bag off of my bike seat while I was away.
I hope you enjoyed your self erotic asphyxiation with that grocery bag,
as that is the only use I could think of – that you had to steal it, instead
of going into the CVS across the street and embarrassingly asking for a
fresh one.
Love,
Biker Chic with Wet Ass Cheeks

Or this!

You could have at least made it less obvious that you knew you were locking your bike to my bike. You are why people hate bicyclists. I hope you get doored.

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